Sibling Angst: If Only…

NoCZ-2012

Sometimes it’s hard to step away from a role that we do so well. In my family, I was always the peacemaker and I hated conflict. I was close to all my siblings but not anymore. There’s been dis-ease between a sister and myself for over 5 years and it’s sad.

Now this sister is recovering from surgery and I get to read emails that others have received about her health and progress. I hear about her pain and I am in pain.

Yet, my role as friend and confident has changed to that of observer offering love, prayers, hope and healing. It’s not a place I’d ever imagine I would be and yet … it’s where I am.

Something tells me that I need to put these words on paper and share them with you. Maybe you’ve experienced something similar or know of someone who has. Maybe you shut someone out and don’t know how to let them back in? Maybe you’re on the outside looking in …

Maybe…

What if …

If only…

No Comfort Zone 2012 Challenge
NoCZ-2012

stay in your heart

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32 thoughts on “Sibling Angst: If Only…

  1. I empathize – can feel the pain and wanting answers in Your words – When someone that You Love goes through Pain – You feel pain . No Matter what i think as any empathic soul would .
    Your sister is in healing mode . and the pain you are experiencing is healing you as well – even if it doesn’t Feel” like it .
    Emotional pain is healing – if we stick with it – take it all apart – and the integrate and fully understand the why of it .
    I had a similar experience with my parents – as i was on very bad terms with them for about two years – For me the emotions were of anger and all i felt from them was neglect – as i was going through a very tough time physically – eye wise .
    I let go of it finally – through tons of painful work and came together with them for – what it felt like – the very fist time in my life this Christmas Past , i will like up my post .
    Anyways – I wish You – This Healing time For You ……. Your sister is going to be ok . You are going to be ok . It’s just a matter of bridging it ….i hope that makes sense .
    Much love – empathy and i am here because i sure do know how that feels – and i hoper for inner peace within your heart ….
    much much love
    xx
    C
    http://catforsley.me/2011/12/14/its-good-to-remember-let-go-then-integrate-by-cat-forsley/

    • Cat,
      This isn’t going according to my plan – and yet – there is a new plan and one I have to live with.

      Thanks for directing me to your post and the words “It’s good to let it all go…” and in my world it’s good to acknowledge it, share it and let it go.

      Gracias for your caring. xo- Marge

  2. What if?…..Indeed I can relate. Starting my early morn browse to see what my blogging friends are up to… and the first title to catch my eye. Yours. Thank you for this.

    I too know this angst. I am sorry that you and your sister are at odds. Or as you have said with dis-ease. I love that word.
    I too was the peace maker in my family. One older brother, one younger. My younger brother, my little baby brother is at dis-ease with me I guess. I’m not sure why because he just sort of stopped talking to me. Seriously. Everything was fine, we spoke on the phone often. Then I attend a family wedding and he will not say one word to me. I was not going to confront him at a wedding celebration. How wwas I to know this would be the last time I would have the chance , at least so far. This was almost 7 years ago.
    We had always been close, just 4 yrs apart, and due to some real dysfunction in our home growing up he became my sole responsibility when he was four. I always called him my first baby, even though I was just a child.

    As adults looking back at my 5 decades plus that it was always me that held up any relationship we had. Especially after our mother died. I noticed too that this is the same thing with my older brother. If there is communication it is because I initiated it. Oh I stand corrected.

    Just recently I asked my brother via email if he had not received the one prior. and if so why no reply. I was graced with a response. “Reply” That was it. Just one word in the format of an email.
    If there should be a rare visit it is because I did the planning and traveling.
    I am not losing sleep over them any more. I have tried for too many years to keep this family of three together, for me, but mostly for our children. And grandchildren.
    I have more communications from my nieces.

    They are my brothers and I love them. God knows I always will. But when any relationship leaves you feeling worse than when you walked in is not a healthy thing..

    What if I just stop beating my head against the wall.?

    • What if I just stop beating my head against the wall…

      Or perhaps we can stop ‘owning’ the miscommunication and disconnect and instead just let it go. As you said, there will still be love – just unexpressed.

      As for my sister, she can’t make me stop loving her or caring for her. We shared too many life experiences together. Now we share them separately and second-hand. I guess it’s like getting divorced – memories and regrets rolled into one.

      Thanks so much for your words, understanding and sharing.

  3. Marge,
    I’m sorry you are on the outside looking in. I know how hard it is for you to sit back and be the observer when you have always been the helper. You have helped me by giving advice that I in turn pass on. That in itself is invaluable. Thanks for always being there.

    • One would think… with all the life lessons we’ve learned… that time is too precious to waste, huh?

      And yet, there seems to be a need to be ‘right’ in a world where nobody is keeping score.

      Thanks for checking in and daily updates. xox- MKM

  4. I liked the Baroness’s reply. If you’ve made a real effort, or many such efforts, to heal a relationship and it’s not getting any better, then sometimes you just have to step back. Relationships are never one-sided, by definition. It is especially hard with a sibling. You can continue to live that person and pray for that person and wish the best for that person, but you can’t make them want to mend the relationship as much as you want to mend it. Just keep the lines of communication open. And leave the past where it is. Sometimes the old relationship cannot be fixed, but a new one with that person can be wonderful.

  5. Thanks for the hope and encouragement you offer. I would welcome a new relationship with my sibling starting from this point forward. Lines of communication are sort of murky at this point but who knows over time?

    With warmth and appreciation – MK

    • Hi Ann,
      Thanks for directing me to your post on forgiveness. You wrote, “One of the best things to do in our lives is Letting Go of anger and hurt caused by others. We need to find it in our hearts to forgive lovingly.”

      I’ve Let Go and am publicly acknowledging the sadness and lost friendship. It’s not easy or comfortable thing to do and yet, I know many other people are in this place as well. Your post touches on so many aspects of love, forgiveness and moving on. It is beautiful!

      I hope we find the road back as well…

      With hugs and appreciation = MK

      • You are welcome MK. You mention what you have done “I’ve Let Go and am publicly acknowledging the sadness and lost friendship.” but have you forgiven?

        My brother is wracked with anger for the hurt caused by others and I have suggested he “forgive” them, for his own sake and healing. He has not been able to find it in his heart yet to do that. I told him that we don’t necessarily forget the wrong done us, but actually forgiving others…whether face to face, by letter, or in the silence of our hearts…with love, THEN Letting Go heals us, fills us with peace, and opens doors that surprise us.

        • Thanks for your sharing and words of wisdom. I have forgiven, allowed and released. It is liberating and healing and helpful.
          When I forgive I am able to softly close the door between us like I would for a sleeping child. With appreciation — MK

          • MK, I am the one who wrote the reply “You are welcome MK. You mention what you have done “I’ve Let Go and am publicly acknowledging the sadness and lost friendship.” but have you forgiven?”
            For some reason, I have to keep logging in to wordpress on your blog in order to comment as me. I don’t have to do that with most other wordpress bloggers.

            As for your reply to my (anonymous) reply above 🙂 I am so glad you have forgiven.
            It IS amazing how freeing it is and the peace it creates within us. Of course, that does not stop us from feeling sad if the other person does not accept it and open their hearts to the healing. We can only pray for them with faith/believing that God will take care of them in His time.

  6. I was once told forgiveness is not forgetting. We need to keep the memories so we are reminded not to put our selves in a similar situation. This is how we learn, from pain, from hurts.
    Nothing is for not.

  7. I have a very similar situation with my own sister. Funny, it’s been for about the same amount of time as you too. I have only spoke with her very recently through a few menial email that didn’t amount to much communication since 2006. It’s sad, and it hurts, but all I can do is put her in God’s hand and pray for her often, and ask God what I can do to make a difference…The rest is up to Him. I will now pray for you and your sister.

    Thank you for you recent visit to my blog and commenting on my artwork…I appreciate that very much.

    I also think you have a lovely blog, so I have an award for you.
    http://adamsart.wordpress.com/2012/01/14/one-lovely-blog-award/

    • Thank you for your visit, the award but most of all for sharing your situation as well. Even though this was clearly outside my comfort zone, I felt that this was probably not unique to me and others could share or offer words or wisdom. I always welcome prayers!

  8. Marge, to say I know how you feel, is an understatement. But reading your words on paper, hits home harder. Your feelings, (as well as mine) are justified by her actions. But then, I’m so confused by my feelings. I, like you, have so many good memories of her. But, as hard as I try, I cannot feel towards her, the way I would feel if it were you. And I’m angry that she has done this to my feelings towards her, especailly now, when she should have at least, one of her sisters with her. I feel sorry for her. I feel for my loss of her….

    • Well put – ‘our loss of her.’

      And so, I will carry memories of better days and happy moments in my heart and on the outside will give her the space she needs to be free. To hold to the idea that one must be right or another is wrong is not necessary. Our life experiences shout to the world “Life is precious – Go outside and play nice!”

  9. It is really hard at times like this. They said time heals all wounds, but I pray that a love so strong will prevail and that you and your sister will find each other again with open arms. God bless. Have a great weekend Marge 🙂

  10. I know exactly how you feel.
    I have not spoken to my half brother for several years.
    I was unhappy about the treatment my Stepmom was getting on her deathbed.
    He did not want to come out of his comfort zone.
    I was told to butt out.
    He has since married and he lives down the road from my office but we have not spoken since the funeral.
    I have put it behind me.
    You can’t choose your family and there is no law to say they can’t be complete idiots.

  11. Pingback: Things are happening here… NoCZ–12 « Inside Out Cafe

  12. A really nice entry. It’s easy to see you’re very sensitive and honest-hearted.
    I tried Liking your post but it wouldn’t take. So, consider yourself Liked!

    And thanks for dropping by and liking my entry for my Odds and End Thoughts blog: “The Worst Disability” at https://oddsandendthoughts.wordpress.com/2012/01/20/the-worst-disability/

    Perhaps you and your visitors would also like to stop by and visit my f-stop fantasy blog as well at https://fstopfantasy.wordpress.com/

    Thanks and have a great day!

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